Story Of The Scoobs

Here is the complete story of Scooby, from birth in 1993 to now. If you’ve got a spare 10 mins to read this it’ll give you a few giggles. Believe it or not, everything contained herein is based on fact. The names have been kept the same the shame the guilty……

Frank sings covers set with Mark & 3 other talent-less gits at The Rock Garden in London’s Covent Garden

The 3 other talent-less gits decide drinking beer & watching football is more fun than playing music & leave the band

Frank discovers he can't sing & spends 3 years learning bass. Mark can’t play guitar but decides to carry on anyway

Bob (one of the talent-less gits) gets banned from every pub in North London for being over argumentative & sleeping under the tables so decides to take up drumming again. Re-joins the band.

Auditions for vocalist to replace Frank held. Only Rickie turns up. He sees unattended drum kit in the studio & shoves it straight in the back of his rusty old Ford Fiesta...........hence becomes the drummer. Bob returns to heavy drinking.

The lads add 2 singers to the line up. A bloke called Stuart & a girl called Maria. Stuart is a Prima-Dona who spends his entire time with the band telling us we’re un-professional (you don’t say Sherlock) & Maria is a moron who still thinks it’s funny to do Joey Deacon impressions even though she’s 25. Frank becomes obsessed with her due to her elegance & sophistication.

The lads take on a second guitarist called Rugg who turns out to be the most forgetful bugger to have ever lived.

Mid rehearsal, Stuart remembers that he works in a theatre selling ice-creams every evening & therefore can’t ever do any gigs with band. Throws his mic on the floor & storms out. No-one has seen him since.

Maria’s boyfriend realises that she is an ugly nauseating cow & flees to Brighton to escape her. She swiftly sets off after him & tracks him down even though he’s changed his name & had plastic surgery. He tells her to f**k off back to London. Undeterred, she moves to Brighton to spend the rest of her life stalking him.

With no vocalist, Rickie claims to be able to sing. Bob claims to be able to remember how to play the drums & returns to the band again. Both are proved to be lying bastards!

Mark goes to Rugg’s house to remind him how to play all the songs but is surprised when Frank opens the door. Turns out Rugg has forgotten where he lives & Frank has moved in. “Shame to let the place gather dust” he says in justification.

Disaster!!! Rickie’s drums are stolen. He calls the police but hangs up when he remembers he nicked them in the first place. By way of a strange coincidence, Bob’s spending in North London Boozers quadruples.

Bob calls Rickie & offers to buy him a few drinks to cheer him up following the theft of his drums. Rickie has never been able to work out how Bob knew about the burglary.

Rugg is tracked down to a squat in Dagenham. When we take him home, he doesn’t seem to notice that Frank has moved in.

Frank makes a nasty stain on the wall & covers it up with an old Scooby Doo poster. Rugg asks if we can call the band Scooby as the poster will help him to remember our name.

Rugg has re-learned all the songs & is ready to return to rehearsals. Unfortunately he can’t seem to remember where he left his guitar. Frank has a guilty look about him & a collection of nice new jumpers.

After starting what he calls a “Personal Services” business, Rugg quickly saves up enough cash for a new guitar.

Auditions held for new vocalist. 5 ugly blokes & 1 fit girl turn up. Although she can’t sing, the fit girl gets the gig

The fit girl singer refuses to sleep with any of the band so is sacked. Dean (one of the ugly blokes) gets the job.

Rugg has forgotten how to work his amp. Frank quits his day job to concentrate on Rock & Roll.

Frank quits the band to become full time Dole Scum. Time spent with the band is interfering with his moaning about his GIRO being late.

Rugg has forgotten that he is in the band. He doesn’t have Frank to remind him go to rehearsals anymore.

Lee supplies his little brother Chris to replace Rugg. Chris has an encyclopaedic knowledge of songs & chords. Feeling challenged, Mark attempts to learn E flat seventh diminished fifth but gives up after 3 weeks.

Scooby play The Parkside pub in Romford. It’s the roughest pub in the world. Sells draft Meths & cans of Special Brew only. The locals hand their GIROs in every Friday to pay off their bar tabs. The landlord jumps from behind the bar during the gig & smashes up Rickie’s drums. The guys get a repeat booking but are too scared to turn up. Lee immediately leaves the band.

A rich couple from Stockbroker land in Surrey book the band for their wedding by accident. Lured by the smell of cash, Frank returns. Mark handles all the arrangements.

Frank, Rickie, Dean & Chris receive 50p each for the wedding gig. When he returns from his hastily arranged holiday in The Caribbean, Mark is spotted with a fat cheque, or was it a fat Czech?

Dean decides that the 3 elements of Sex, Drugs & Rock n’ Roll are too much for him to handle & leaves the band to concentrate on sex & drugs

With a full diary of gigs & no singer, Rickie somehow once again manages to convince the guys that he can sing. The search is on to find Bob to replace Rickie on drums.

After drawing a blank at several hundred North London Boozers, the search for Bob is widened. Rumour has it that he’s moved to East London after running up several trillion pounds worth of bar tabs.

Mark decides his Flying V guitar is just too ‘80s metal for the band. He replaces it with a Jackson complete with pointy headstock, bolts of lightening painted on the fret board & whammy bar. He also buys spandex trousers & a pair of mirror sunglasses.

Bob is tracked down to a Nurses Home in Chingford. He’s been posing as a plumber saying he’s working on a shower maintenance contract. The nurses can’t work out why they have to be in the showers whilst he tests them. He readily agrees to rejoin the band as long as there are no gigs in North London.

Bob’s comeback gig at The Cauliflower in Ilford. He arrives early & drinks the place dry. Moments before the band is due onstage, Bob is nowhere to be found. Mark discovers him unconscious in the bog. The band revive him with a few gentle boots in the head & carry him to his drum stool. He vomits all over Rickie’s drums in the 1st song but somehow manages to complete the gig. He collapses into the vomit sodden drum kit at the end of the gig sending drums & cymbals everywhere. Mark’s spandex trousers get torn.

Mark needs someone to sew up the hole in the spandex trousers so gets married to Karen.

Rickie is busy phoning Home Insurance Companies to see if any of them offer a policy that includes Vomit Damage to drum kits………..should such a thing ever occur……..

Karen still hasn’t sewn up the hole in Mark’s spandex trousers. He is consulting lawyers regarding divorce.

Bob is released from hospital & tells the guys he can start rehearsals as soon as the pub shuts.

Frank tires of being Dole Scum & starts a career as s Greg Rusedski Strip-o-Gram. Pledges to remain with the band after Rickie threatens him with violence should he leave again

The lads remember Chris is in the band. He never speaks, turns up on time to every gig & rehearsal & never plays a wrong note. He is suspected of being a robot or an alien.

The lads get fed up of driving Bob to gigs & rehearsals & insist he learns to drive.

Bob sacks his driving instructor accusing him of being a back street driver. Never did like being told what to do did our Bob.

Bob finds young fit female driving instructor with a penchant for short skirts. He has 5 lessons a day & passes test first time.

Bob discovers he doesn’t like driving as it means being sober. Decides he doesn’t like playing gigs as it involves driving. Concludes being an Estate Agent would better suit his hard drinking lifestyle & quits the band.

Rickie returns to the drums. Scooby have a full diary of gigs & no singer. The Lads get a feeling of deja-vue

With no vocalist the lads decide to take a sabbatical & pursue some of their other ambitions. Mark & Rickie decide to have children (with their wives not each other smart arse!) Frank decides to eat a lot of pasta & paint a table whilst Chris takes a vow of silence & pledges to learn even more songs than the 47 million that he already knows.

Mark & Rickie have produced 3 children (with a bit of help from Karen & Dionne), Frank has eaten a lot of pasta but never got round to painting that table. We don’t know what Chris has been doing as he is keeping to his vow of silence.

Many replies to The Scoobs advert for a new singer. Rickie is refused an audition.

Auditions held. Only ugly blokes turn up this time, no fit birds. The Scoobs are forced to listen to a lot of awful screeching, the worst being an Egyptian who sung All Right Now in Arabic. Rickie stops him after one verse & chucks the twat out the door.

Chris breaks his vow of silence to tell the lads that he has a mate called Russell who is a good singer. This would have been good to know about a year ago! Frank attacks Chris shouting “F**k your vow of silence, f**k it up the arse”

Chris’s mate Russell joins the band & is excellent. Scooby’s gigs now contain much cavorting & showmanship from Russ.

Scooby play in a particularly seedy pub in Harlow where a stripper opens proceedings. The lads are told to wait on stage whilst she does her turn. She comes on & is a old flabby boiler. Agonising whilst watching her do her thing Rickie recalls that he needs to buy some lard when he goes to Safeway’s next. Mark is reminded that he needs to do the ironing.

Subtle as ever, Frank learns over to Mark & discreetly says “Look at the size of the old bint’s arse” One of the vocal mics picks up his comments & broadcasts them to the entire venue. Stripper’s flabby breasts wobble in an angry fashion & she refuses to work with the band ever again!

The boys are playing another rough dive when a huge ruck breaks out during the first song. The dance floor is sweaty mass of flying fists & boots. The bouncers throw everybody out & the lads are left playing to themselves.

A smelly & scabby couple approach Mark during the band’s break & offer him a threesome! The bloke was covered in sores & his bird had maggots in her knickers. The band take the stage again & the scabby tart jumps on Mark. Bouncers quickly jump on her, Mark is buried under a mound of flesh, he is traumatised. The rest of the band laugh for a week.

Russell has been tracked down to Harlow Hospital suffering with rare & un-diagnosable condition. Guesses that he caught it in one of the dodgy venues that we’ve been gigging in & decides to leave the band for the sake of his health. Before slipping into a coma, he mutters “Craig Evans………..make him sing”

The lads have no idea who Craig Evans is & hold auditions for a singer (again) Rickie turns up in a dress pretending to be a fit girl singer.

The lads learn the Craig Evans is also known as “Jagged” & track him down to a boozer in Harlow. Mark offers him the gig, Craig accepts giving Mark a false phone number & address.

Russell wakes from coma & gives the lads Craig’s real phone number & address. Craig realises there is no way out & joins the band.

The night of Craig’s 1^st gig. He phones to say he has a sore throat & can’t make it. The lads accuse him of being a poof & bundle him into the back of the van & take him to the gig.

Chris breaks his vow of silence to say he is worried about catching something in the seedy venues the band play in & is off to join his brother’s band. An altogether more wholesome act.

Auditions held for guitarist to replace Chris. A Welsh bloke called Vaughan turns up. He has a crap guitar & hasn’t bothered to learn any of the songs. He reminds the band of Rugg & is hired on the spot.

Vaughan needs new guitar & amp before he can gig. Rickie has a chat with him about insurance scams.

The band continue to find seedier & seedier venues to play at. In one town in deepest Essex 2 tarts make nuisances of themselves. Mark finds one of them in his car & throws her out. The 2 of them chase Vaughan down an ally & have him pinned against the wall offering him a “coffee” back at their place. The rest of the band laugh at the petrified look on the boy from The Valley’s face as they drive off & leave him behind.

The band surpass themselves in finding dodgy places to play & do a gig on Canvey Island. Mark shouts “Stamp your webbed feet to this one..” The band are chased off The Rock by an angry mob who all look like each other

Mark gets fed up of lugging his gear about & makes up a story about having a hip disease. Nicks a pair of crutches & tells the lads they will have to carry all his stuff for him. Oh, & he has to sit down throughout gigs & can’t possible go to the bar.

The Scoobs drive all the way to Coventry to play a gig & book into 1 room at the local Travel Lodge. Inexplicably, Bob turns up at the gig & is as pissed as ever. He is suspected of sleeping in the back of the van for the last 3 years. Won’t believe the lads when they tell him he left the band in 2002 & insists on drumming. Tries to fight with Craig.

Rickie moans all the way home about having a sore arse. Craig has unusual contented look on his face.

Due to a terrible administrative mix up, Scooby are booked to play at a Christmas meal for German pensioners. One old dodderer even complains about the noise before the band have played a note (we haven’t even made that bit up!) Some of the old ‘uns turn off their hearing aids, some even get up & dance but most look confused.

The residents of Canvey Island book Scooby for New Years Eve. The boys suspect they are planning a lynching.

Mark buys a new guitar. Karen doesn’t like the look of it & bans it from the house. Upon reflection she lets the guitar in & bans Mark from the house.

As well as their usual pub gigs, The Scoobs get booked to play at a very posh & formal ball. The boys make a thorough search of the van & Rickie’s bass drum to ensure Bob isn’t sleeping somewhere before they set off.

Craig is called away & can’t make one of our gigs. We all shout “NO” at Rickie before he even manages to offer to sing. Dean is bought out of retirement after 5 years for one more gig & does a great job.

April 2006

Mark is pleased his band biography is getting lots of hits. Karen brings him down to earth pointing out hits are Bob trying to find out where he’s been for the last 5 years. Rickie is convinced he has many groupies when he finds female underwear in his bass drum. Turns out Dionne has mistaken it for that new Hotpoint he’s been promising & chucked her knickers in for a quick wash!